call me crazy.....

after more than TWO weeks of
harrassing the insurance company
to approve the MRI the neurologist
ordered for me, they FINALLY
approved today!!! so when i found
out, i was immediately relieved &
jotted down the info on the time &
date of the MRI. (it's on monday)

as soon as i hung up the phone, i
called my husband to tell him that
it had finally been approved & when
it would be. he was notably excited
that it was finally going to get done.

so then it struck me. this wave of
strange emotion that i hadn't really
felt up until that moment. i had been
so concerned with fighting over
whether or not i could get this dang
thing done, that i never stopped
to think about the actual procedure.
i never really took the time to think
about why i was fighting so hard
to get this test done to begin with.
oh sure, in my normal fashion, i would
crack jokes about it, but it never
really hit me that there is a possibility
i could find out something i'm not prepared
to know.

at that instant my stomach knotted
up and the tears started flowing down
my cheeks uncontrollably. (thank goodness
i work in my own cubicle with my back
to the rest of the "world" so nobody saw
the mini meltdown that was occurring.)

the thought hit me like a ton of bricks-
this sinking feeling that i really don't
want the mri. i don't want to know what
it could show. i don't want to have it done.
i just don't want to know.

then sane sarah stepped back in,
and i realized, i have to get it done.
i have to know, and maybe nothing will
be wrong. but whatever the outcome,
i must know.

so i will have it done on monday, but
my follow up appointment isn't until
the following wednesday. gosh, why do
they do that?? they originally told me
the neurologist wanted to see me back
within 4 days of the mri & now it's 9
days later!! that will seem like an
eternity! and in the meantime.....the
real news is i still have no relief.