i can't believe this is my THIRD post today!! after more than TWO weeks of
harrassing the insurance company
to approve the MRI the neurologist
ordered for me, they FINALLY
approved today!!! so when i found
out, i was immediately relieved &
jotted down the info on the time &
date of the MRI. (it's on monday)
as soon as i hung up the phone, i
called my husband to tell him that
it had finally been approved & when
it would be. he was notably excited
that it was finally going to get done.
so then it struck me. this wave of
strange emotion that i hadn't really
felt up until that moment. i had been
so concerned with fighting over
whether or not i could get this dang
thing done, that i never stopped
to think about the actual procedure.
i never really took the time to think
about why i was fighting so hard
to get this test done to begin with.
oh sure, in my normal fashion, i would
crack jokes about it, but it never
really hit me that there is a possibility
i could find out something i'm not prepared
to know.
at that instant my stomach knotted
up and the tears started flowing down
my cheeks uncontrollably. (thank goodness
i work in my own cubicle with my back
to the rest of the "world" so nobody saw
the mini meltdown that was occurring.)
the thought hit me like a ton of bricks-
this sinking feeling that i really don't
want the mri. i don't want to know what
it could show. i don't want to have it done.
i just don't want to know.
then sane sarah stepped back in,
and i realized, i have to get it done.
i have to know, and maybe nothing will
be wrong. but whatever the outcome,
i must know.
so i will have it done on monday, but
my follow up appointment isn't until
the following wednesday. gosh, why do
they do that?? they originally told me
the neurologist wanted to see me back
within 4 days of the mri & now it's 9
days later!! that will seem like an
eternity! and in the meantime.....the
real news is i still have no relief.
thank you so much for all your concern.
so many people have asked me how i'm
doing & i thought it was time to just explain
it all in one place.
i started getting daily headaches in january.
six weeks later
i broke down & went to the doc. (i'm bad about
going.) he said he thought i was having cluster
migraines &
prescribed some meds to stop them when they
start and to hopefully eliminate them from
happening. well, neither of those meds worked.
time went by, and the pain would still not go
away & instead became constant. then i started
experiencing numbness in my left arm &
left side of my face. sometimes my legs & feet
would tingle too. i have almost passed out
numerous times and have experienced some
"mixed up" moments where i just can't seem
to get my words to come out right. the doc called
it "mental confusion".
i finally went back to the doc
when i couldn't take it anymore & he tried
3 more meds. again- nothing kicked the pain.
so he referred me to a neurologist.
the neurologist gave me a thorough exam.
i didn't do so well during the reflex testing and
when he was having me follow his finger
with my eyes. in fact, i almost passed out.
all of this, along with the
pattern of the pain and other symptoms concerned
him enough to order a brain scan mri.
there are a couple of things he's concerned about
and said he won't be comfortable until a brain
scan is done. it could be a vascular malformation (avm)
or a growth. however, we won't know anything until
the mri is done. therein lies the next problem.
the doctor's office & insurance company can't seem
to get on the same page about the mri approval!!
ugh!! it's frustrating. so, hopefully it will be
approved this week.
in the meantime, the neurologist has taken me
off ALL pain meds & forbidden me to take ANY
pain meds of ANY kind! he said that they
can contribute to what they call "medicine
headaches" and might allow temporary relief
only to cause more pain later.
so, there you have it. my situation in a condensed
version. i don't have any sick time at work
until december, so my days consist of trying
to be productive at work and then coming home
to try to get some relaxation.
hopefully they'll find something out soon & this
will be a thing of the past. i appreciate all your
thoughts & prayers & concern. it means more
than you know.
i've had a pretty rough year.
it's not the first bad year i've had, and
i'm sure it's not the last.
nevertheless,
it's not been one that i'll look back
on fondly.
or should i ?
lately i have found myself crying
out loud to & from work.
crying out
to God asking him WHY????
why can't
i find another job???
i felt like i was
being punished for something, but
wasn't sure what it was.
then, just
when i thought i literally couldn't make
it any further without spiraling into a
deeper depression---
my prayers were
answered.
a job was offered.
i accepted.
now my future is looking much
more positive.
so, why did i have to go
through the long wait,
the rejection,
the anticipation,
the hoping,
the praying,
the insanity?
i think it's becuz after working
the retail job
{which was my job of desperation}
i am SO thrilled
to be going back into the work force.
before??
not so much.
i knew i HAD to
work outside of the home, but i really
dreaded making that transition after being
unemployed for 6 months.
i think that
with the attitude of dread i had,
no job would have made me happy.
none would have been a good fit.
i would have been depressed
all the time & wasted an opportunity
to start re-building a career for myself.
now, after these looooooooong weeks,
i have never been
HAPPIER to find a job!!
an office job.
a new career.
:) :) :)
so, instead of thinking of all the bad things
that have happened this year. i'm choosing
to remember the positive. :)
you know,
i really have had a great year.
i got to travel to chicago
with my husband &
hang out with my friends.
i got my 1st tattoo.
i flew to michigan to hang out with my friends.
i lived to enjoy another year of my kids' lives.
what could be better than this????
life is good.
so, it has been forever & a week since
i've blogged! shame on me...but it's really
not my fault. one of my friends was joking
about finding my face on a milk carton soon,
becuz i've been mia for so long. well, my reply
is that my former LIFE is going to wind up on
the milk carton & i want it BACK!!!
i tell you what...losing your job of 7 years SUCKS!
i don't know how many times i'm going to have
to "start over", but i wish i could find something
permanent & kind on my body SOON!! now, i suppose
there are worse things...at least i'm not selling my
girl stuff to the highest (or in some cases, the ONLY)
bidder! ;) but i wish things would change.
besides killing my foot & knees & being exhausted &
depressed all the time, i miss the fun times
with my family & online pals! i keep applying
for office jobs, but no one wants to hire someone
who's been fired. it really sucks, becuz if they would
give me a chance, i would prove to be a valuable
employee!!
anyway, it sounds like this blog post is all about
whining. so, i'm outta here. chat later. ;)
oh, what a difference a day makes! :)
well, i have a whole new outlook today.
the red witch showed up this morning,
which explains my whiney mood yesterday.
i should have known there was a reason
for my sudden feeling of deep depression....
i have a HORRIBLE time right before & sometimes
during that time. ugh!
but, today, my head is screwed back on right,
and i am EXTREMELY thankful for my friends
who love me! you know, i am TRULY blessed!
how amazing is it to "coincidentally" find true
friendship in a place you least expected it. well,
that's what i found when i stumbled upon
scrap-a-latte. i was a little unsure at first of how
it was going to be there....another message board
i was going to attempt to be "heard" on. my luck
hadn't been good at other previous sites, so i
didn't have much hope that SAL would be any
better. but i was SO wrong! SAL is the BEST
site i've ever been to. everyone, especially the
owner (Carla) was so welcoming. it was like
this gradual bond that turned into friendship.
i can't imagine not having these friends in my
life now! they are such a part of me & i am
immensely lucky to have them!!
life, friendship, love, sadness,
loneliness....all the things i'm feeling
today.
why can't i just be happy with all the
stuff i have & my family & my online
friends...why can't that be enough?
today, i'm learning that letting go of
the past is much harder & much more
painful than i ever imagined it would be.
you know, the irony is that 7 has always
been my fave number for as long as i can
remember. the number of completion.
so maybe it's perfect that i made friends
over the past 7 years that i now have
to let go.....it sucks, though. it hurts to be
alone.
oh, i know. i'm not really alone. i've got jesse
& the kids....and of course, i have my online pals
who i'm eternally grateful for. so why is it so
hard to put the past behind me & appreciate
what i have...not what used to be?
can i just say that i LOVE being
a mom?? well, most of the time,
anyway. sure, there are those
moments....the kids screaming at
each other....the sound of toys flying
across the room....doors slamming...
tempers flaring....the cries for "Mahhhm!"
but aside from all these moments.....the
thrill of knowing i can make a difference
in 3 people's lives is exhilirating! it makes
me smile to know that the happy
times *usually* out-weigh the
crazy madness....and that one day i'll
long to hear those screams when
the house is quiet & still.
happy mom's day to each of you who
are mothers! kiss your kids more than
once today & let them know you are
thankful to be their mom! :)
**********************************************
my kids did the sweetest thing for me
this morning.....they made me heart shaped
waffles & hazelnut coffee! Mmmmm....
and the BEST part??? it was actually
edible this year! LOL! the kids are finally
getting old enough to make delicious
things for me, instead of gross-looking
concoctions that a dog wouldn't even eat!
oh, this is just another joy of motherhood! ;)
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